Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
