My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
