oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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