I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
