dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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