Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
