No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
