every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
