whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
