I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
