and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
