Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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