You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
