This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
