I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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