Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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