Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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