I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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