There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
