Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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