Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Panties = found
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
