Me. At least after what I've been through.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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