i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
