what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
