I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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