I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
