I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Two words: blizzard sex
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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