My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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