I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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