i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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