No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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