He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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