shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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