I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
