got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
