dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
