I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
