I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
