Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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