Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
