I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
