I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
