I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
