How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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