i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just threw up on my dentist
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
