OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
