Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
