Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
