I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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