he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I have post one night stand depression
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