I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Damn victory sex feels great
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
