i permit you to call me
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
