Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
